Time to Celebrate!

I received the best possible news from my doctor today! The CT scan shows that the lymph nodes in question have shrunk back to normal - which means that the chemotherapy was a success and I am cancer-free!!

Thank you all so much for every prayer, every good thought, and all of your incredible support. And thank God! To say that this is a relief is of course a gigantic understatement. I am overwhelmed with emotions. It will take a couple months to feel 100% again. Mostly I will still feel tired because this treatment was a bit of a shock to my body. Knowing that this treatment was successful though, makes it all so worth it.

I always thought I would hit the ground running when I graduated college in spring of this year, but instead the power that be decided to push the pause button. This summer has been a long pause, but not necessarily an entirely negative one. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. It has been a time to catch up on that stack of movies and books. A time to take care of myself and learn to cope with the much feared un-productivity. Most of all though, it has been a time to reflect. I have come away from this knowing that we need those pauses every now and again (minus the whole cancer thing though :)

Now, it is time to celebrate! I started a bit early and had a beer (pictured above) the other night for the first time in a very long time (I was told chemo + alcohol probably wasn't a good mix, so I waited). It was delicious, as expected. I look forward to enjoying the rest of the summer with a new peace of mind! It would be all too easy to push away all of these memories and just move on, and I will to some degree, but I can tell you that I will not take my health or this wonderful life for granted.

Speaking of Healthcare

I had the CT Scan done today. But I won't get the results until Monday when I meet with the doctor. I'm somewhat anxious, of course, but there isn't much I can do. Really hoping that this is the end of it. I'm ready to be finished.

Just going back to Dana makes me nauseous at this point. It annoys me that so much of the nausea is mental. I know it's mental and that should give me more control over it, but somehow it doesn't. I suppose it will just take time.

On another note, with healthcare being the topic of the day right now, I want to share this exceptional interview with you. Bill Moyers interviews a previous VP of the fourth largest Insurance company. The result is eye-opening and, I would go as far as to say, shocking. Really incredible insider information about how insurance companies operate. I highly recommend:
http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/07312009/watch.html

Healthcare reform has always been a controversial issue. I am stunned though when I watch the recent crowds at town hall meetings. I really wish more people could see this interview and learn the truth. We have a truly incredible opportunity before us; to reform this system and make sure that all Americans are treated with equal and excellent care. I feel fortunate to have received such care throughout this experience. I cannot imagine how much more difficult this would have been with anything less. Yet, millions of people do receive less and there is little in place to protect us from becoming one of them. We can change this.

Who Am I?

It's the age-old question. At least I think it is. Who am I? It's the self-awareness that separates us from any other species. The nagging question we all want to know the answer to. Who am I?

Well, it's certainly been nagging me. How does the big C word change who I am? I haven't even gotten used to identifying myself as a "cancer patient" and soon I'll be fortunate enough to identify myself as a "cancer survivor". The words don't roll of the tongue, that much is for sure. Actually, they make me nauseous. There is a struggle within. Part of me wants to embrace this new identity - knowing that it has made me a stronger person. Sure, it was never quite a near-death experience. But it could have been. Hell, I can beat anything now.

And yet, part of me wants nothing to do with this new identity. Part of me says "fuck cancer, I'm done." I'm sick of the nausea. Sick of the anxiety. Sick of being sick. I want to run as far away from this as possible.

But I can't and I won't. This experience will forever change me - there is no getting around that. For starters I will be reminded with routine scans at Dana Farber for the next 7 years. Or how about the next time I tell a friend I have more balls than he does (and then pause). Actually it's pretty funny/ironic. I mean, I've lost a testicle, but grown more "balls". Hmmm...ok, I'll stop with that metaphor.

Who am I? I don't have a simple answer. And I don't think "cancer survivor" will really capture how this latest chapter in my life has affected my identity. I suppose our experiences continue to shed light on the answer, but there will always be some dark areas. Maybe more than dark areas; sometimes it feels like we're totally in the dark (with nothing more than a small flash light). Uh-oh, here I go again with another metaphor.

I'm okay without a direct answer. What's important is that I keep checking in with myself, asking the question, and shedding more light on the matter. This blog has truly given me that opportunity. You have given me that opportunity.

So allow me to provide another answer to this big question and end another entry with my favorite word. Ubuntu; I am because we are.

Done!

Today was my very final chemo treatment! Woohoo! So much relief. I really am ready to move on with my life. I'm the type of person that wants to hit the ground running, but I do still need to take it slow. The doctor said it could take as long as my treatment was (9 weeks) to get back to feeling 100%. Still, every day should be a better one and that fills me with optimism.
The next step is a CT scan that I have scheduled for next Friday, August 14th. We're hoping and praying that the inflammation they saw in my lymph nodes has gone away or at least stayed the same. If they look more inflamed than surgery may be next, and not a very pretty one.

I remain optimistic, as do the doctors, that this aggressive chemo treatment I just finished, killed all of the cancer cells. Any positive energy you wanna send my way is much appreciated though! I will certainly keep you posted.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Dissapointment

I spoke too soon! I woke up Sunday morning, packed and ready to leave for UCONN where the conference was being held. Too bad my body wasn't ready to let me leave. I not only slipped back into a nauseous state, but I also started throwing up which up until that day had been a rare occurrence throughout this whole chemo ordeal. Hours went by without any sign of improvement. My mind desperately wanted to leave for the conference, but my body just wouldn't have it.

I felt foreign in my own body - like I was locked inside. I was locked inside a failing system. This frustrates me to no end. I hate such limitations. I hate losing control. But then, this whole experience has been all about giving it up. You'd think by now I'd learn. Yet still I fight it. I'd be lying if I said I'm not dissapointed about not being able to attend the incredible opportunity that this conference is. Yet I do know when to let things go. There is always next year and I know that my involvement with UNESCO will continue.

Right now the priorities in my life have been shifted dramatically. First priority is me. More specifically, it is my body. My mind and soul must aid my body through this difficult process until balance can be reached amongst all three. I feel like I'm in one of those comeback movies. This is the low part of my life, where things kinda suck. My comeback montage is just around the corner. And it will be glorious.

The Highs and the Lows

Wow. What a week this was. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. However, I am happy to report that I have emerged!

I have emerged from my final 5-day treatment of chemotherapy and now I have only one more short treatment left on Thursday. Woohooo!! Today is the first day that I can say I'm feeling "pretty good." I suppose the chemo wanted to go out with a bang. As I've already mentioned, it seriously makes me sick to even think (or write) about how bad it was. The effects on the mind are just so intense. I know time will heal, as it already has, but when I was in the midst of it all that kind of mindset was difficult to establish.

I reached a new "low", feeling lost in it all and not knowing when, if ever, it would go away. Logically I knew it would end, but that logic goes out the window in the thick of it. Since then I've had high moments when I feel like I'm done with this suffering, but these "highs" are still temporary at the moment. The lower I fall, the higher I can rise. I truly do feel that way and I know that I am now on the rise. It feels good. Feels damn good, actually.

And just in time to accompany this rise is a conference that I've been very excited (and anxious) about attending. The conference is held by UNESCO (United Nations Eductational, Scientific and Cultural Organization) and is an International Leadership Training Program. More info here. I feel so honored to be attending this conference with young leaders from around the world. It is an experience that I know I will gain so much from. I've been worried about not being able to attend due to my health, but I've decided that I will go tomorrow until Wednesday, and be back in time for my last treatment on Thursday. I'm certain I will have much to share when I get back. And share I shall!