New Blog!

You are being automatically redirected to my new, updated, and improved blog. Hope you enjoy it! If you are not redirected, please click here.

Take Care

Ah! How the time passes by. Isn't it crazy? I really love writing in this blog, but somehow it gets put on the back-burner when I get busy. Such is life; but I think I need to try and stop that...

A major discovery for me lately has been the importance of taking care of my body. I suppose cancer will do that to you; certainly it has made me more conscious of our vulnerability as human beings. I didn't smoke, or drink (too much), or make myself more prone to cancer in any obvious way - and yet I was struck with this disease despite all of that. Their seems to be a contradiction at work that is, well...scary. We all hear of those people who work out daily, eat healthy, and then all of a sudden have a massive heart attack, or something of the sort.

So how can I talk about the seeming randomness of sickness, and the idea of taking care of my body in the same breath? The short answer is that life is filled with this sort of contradiction. I'm finding that it's all about balance. I'm not going to go to the gym every day or stop eating bacon - just won't happen. However, I really enjoy taking the time to go to the gym a few times a week and attempting to eat a balanced diet. I try not to take for granted this body of mine that has already survived so much. Furthermore, I really find that keeping my body in shape also helps keep my mind in shape. Ever try working out after a long, stressful day? Ain't no better way to unwind. The fact is, there is a real satisfaction to taking care of yourself. Sometimes it takes a push to get in the gym, but once I'm there it is so worth it.

It's all a work in progress really, but all that matters is that I'm making progress. Speaking of which, I just had my 4-month check-up/CT Scan last week and got another clean bill of health! Such a relief, it is. Now I look forward to enjoying this wonderful time of year and the gifts that surround me. Including a trip to Rwanda in just 14 days from now! More to come :)

Thankful!

I am a day late, but I must share that this Thanksgiving, there is so much to be thankful for:

I am thankful for my health, for which I truly feel blessed. To have survived cancer after undergoing painful, yet short-term treatment was such a gift this year. It is a gift I will not forget.

I am thankful for my family, friends, and every other person who makes my life what it is today. For giving me strength and support when I most need it, this summer, and always. You are a blessing and I am because we are.

I am full of thanks for the water I have to drink, the food I have to eat, the medicine I have to treat, the shelter I have to live. I am thankful to be a "have" in a world filled with so many "have-nots".

I am grateful for my college education, to have graduated in May as valedictorian of my class and bestowed with the New Era Award. I am thankful for the experience of college, to have opened my eyes and discovered the world and myself; setting in motion a determination to do good in this world. I am thankful for the professors and peers who helped mold this brain; for the gift of education.

I am thankful this year, also, for the opportunity to travel to Rwanda; my first visit to Africa. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn, grow and respond as a human rights activist--to help those people who need our help most.

I am thankful to God for His grace and a life filled with so many gifts.

I am thankful to you for reading and sharing in this blog with me, for the opportunity for me to share the view through my lens.

There is much more for which I am knowingly thankful for and much, much more for which I have reason to be thankful for. But I will end with this excerpt from a wonderful book called "The Message", a contemporary paraphrase of the Bible, from my favorite Psalm (116).

What can I give back to God
for the blessings he's poured out on me?
I'll lift high the cup of salvation—a toast to God!
I'll pray in the name of God;
I'll complete what I promised God I'd do,
and I'll do it together with his people.

Hope in the Face of Terror

Yesterday I saw and heard a great speaker, Immaculée Ilibagiza, speak about how she survived the Rwandan genocide and, perhaps even more astounding, her path towards forgiveness. I had read her book, Left to Tell, a couple of years ago and was blown away by her story. She spent 91 days hiding in a tiny bathroom with seven other women, in total silence, while mobs of Hutu people hunted for her and every other member of the Tutsi tribe. In a matter of 100 days, nearly one million people were slaughtered, in the most intense genocide of the 20th century.

I also saw a remarkable play, this past Friday, called "The Overwhelming" that offered a powerful glimpse into the build-up to the Rwandan genocide and I'm continuing to immerse myself in reading, in preparation for my trip to Rwanda in January.

The story of this tiny country is tragic. What truly terrifies me, is the fact that everyday people (not military, not trained terrorists, not criminals), turned on their neighbors, friends, and fellow people; they began a mass slaughtering of people, in the most gruesome ways imaginable.

How are we, human beings, capable of such acts?

To distance ourselves from these people, would only ignore the fact that we are all capable of such atrocities. I think that is a hard truth. And yet it is so important to acknowledge. Do we too, not justify taking the lives of others? We may call it collateral damage, but in that definition lies our ability to objectify human life. Certainly, they are different circumstances, but is our dropping bombs on people any more "right" than Hutu killing Tutsi?

Still, Immaculée offers us hope with her message. She travels around the world sharing her story of forgiveness. Through her deep faith in God, she is able to forgive those people who killed her mother, her father, her brothers and her people. I think that whatever your religion is (or isn't), there is so much power in that forgiveness - so much hope for humanity. We may all be capable of doing terrible things, but we are also capable of forgiving, of making peace, of loving.

A couple of weeks ago I also finished an amazing book called Long Walk to Freedom: The Autobiography of Nelson Mandela. What an incredible life Mandela has lived. Offering another example, as he spent 27 years in prison, but was able to forgive a race that so brutally oppressed him. It is easy to hold people like Mandela and Immaculée in a high, unreachable place, as though they are super-human beings. Perhaps the most poignant lesson that I have learned in reading their stories and hearing Immaculée speak, is that they are (in fact) human beings - like you and me. Therein lies that hope I speak of. We are all capable of great things, if we allow ourselves to love, instead of hate.

Mandela sums up this important lesson with this quote from his autobiography: "No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite."

Vaccinations

Today I received what the nurse called "the deluxe package" of vaccinations in preparation for my trip to Rwanda. Speaking of which, did I even mention that I'm going to Rwanda?! On December 30th I leave for a trip of a lifetime. I will join young leaders from around the world for the UNESCO International Leadership Programme: A Global Intergenerational Forum in Kigali, Rwanda. Together, we will learn, grow and advance human rights around the world. I am so unbelievably excited for this opportunity.

Back to the deluxe package of vaccinations though. As the doctor at the travel clinic was giving me instructions and prescriptions, this thought came to me: here I am getting all of these vaccinations and pills for things like Malaria, while over 900,000 people - mostly children - will die from this same disease this year. I literally walk in to a travel clinic, get a few shots and a prescription, pay nothing, and walk out defended against deadly viruses and diseases. At the same time, the exact same virus or disease is killing someone because they do not have access to this medicine.

What's wrong with this picture? Why are children dying en masse every day from something that I was so easily vaccinated for? Is my life worth more than their lives?

These are the questions that fester in my mind. Quite honestly, they anger me. I am thankful that I have such access to these life-saving medicines, but angry that we can live in such an unjust world. That's what it boils down to: justice. There is nothing just about children dying from a mosquito bite, when a treatment exists. Period.

These vaccinations remind me why I am going to this forum. We should feel bad about having such access to resources, while others perish from a lack of resources. And then we should act on that feeling. I go to this forum knowing that we can collectively achieve great things and that we have the power to do so. Together, in solidarity with those we seek to help, we can advance human rights. It is up to us to vaccinate the world from disease, viruses, hunger, hatred, and hopelessness.

Here Am I

Went to St. Eulalia mass today and was blown away by this song. It was beautifully sung by Cheryl Pongratz and perfectly played by Michael Larson on piano.

The lyrics are written by Brian Wren, and they say all that needs to be said:

Here am I,
Where underneath the bridges
Of our winter cities
Homeless people sleep.

Here am I,
Where in the decaying houses
Little children shiver,
Crying at the cold.

Where are you?

Here am I,
With people in the lineup
Anxious for a handout,
Aching for a job.

Here am I,
When pensioners and strikers
Sing and march together,
Wanting something new.

Where are you?

Here am I,
Where two or three are gathered
Ready to be altered,
Sharing wine and bread.

Here am I,
Where those who hear the preaching
Change their way of living,
Find the way to life.

Where are you?

Perspective

My battle with cancer was (thankfully) short-lived and is now over, but my perspective on life has changed forever. During these last three months, since my final chemo treatment, my experience has had time to settle and sink in. I admit that there are times when I almost allow myself to forget; when I just bury the whole thing. But then I force myself to shake it back into my consciousness.

Why?

Because, what really matters in life? What is important? Is it getting angry at the driver in front of me, stressing about all the work I have to get done, or worrying about what "they" think of me? Are these important? It's a question worth pondering. I try to remind myself just how unimportant those things really are in my life. I'm no self-help writer and I certainly will not tell you what is important in your life; that's up to you to decide.

I survived cancer, with only a glimpse of the pain, suffering, and tragedy that so many other cancer patients, family and friends endure. I have seen it in my office where I work with a woman who continues to fight brain cancer and another woman who has just lost her husband to bladder cancer. My heart goes out to them. I feel such a deep connection to the disease and those who suffer from it.

What is so important to me, is that I have my health. I am so incredibly fortunate to have that. And I won't allow myself to forget it.

View From A Grain Of Sand

Earlier this week, I watched an interesting documentary called "View From A Grain Of Sand" about Afghanistan's difficult history. The storytellers were three Afghanistan women, who tell their stories with great courage in a society where such courage is unacceptable. Most shocking to me, is the role that the U.S. has played consistently in terrorizing Afghanistan. I truly had no idea of the depth and breadth of our influence there.

It started in the late 70's, when we decided to front and arm Afghanistan fundamentalists who served our own interests - to combat the Russians (Communism). We supported these rebel groups who we knew fiercely oppressed women. Various fundamentalist groups took power and have remained in power since; instituting laws that totally undercut the rights of women.

Things get even worse when you discover that the Taliban was also partially funded by the U.S. Somehow, we have had this notion that if we get on the right side of violent conflict situations, we can make things better - at least for ourselves. The reality is that there is no "right side" to these violent conflicts and our decisions have made things worse. The right thing to do is invest in development and diplomacy, not war-making; both from a moral and logical standpoint.

Our country has done great things in the world, but it has also done much damage. I hope with every bone in my body that someday, In the words of MLK, we realize that "Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars... Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that."

It is up to each and every one of us to foster such a vision.

Checking In

Well, it has officially been over a month since my last posting, which has forced me to reconsider the purpose of this blog. I've really enjoyed writing entries throughout the summer; sharing updates about my health and offering some glimpses into my life. Now that I have survived my battle with cancer and resume a more hectic schedule, writing for this blog has become more of a challenge.

However, more than anything, this blog has taught me how important it is for us to "check-in" with ourselves. This was hugely important to me while I fought cancer, but I think it remains an important facet of life. We give ourselves such little time to just stop, breathe, and take it all in. This blog allows me to do that and, hopefully, share something worthwhile with you. It is also a work in progress. So I've decided to try something new, and write more entries, but keep them shorter - making it easier for me to check-in and (more importantly) easier for you to read!

I am feeling great, got a clean bill of health from my last checkup at Dana Farber earlier this month, and very excited to be moving on with life - and share it along the way! Thank you, always, for being part of it.

The Most Incredibe Experience

It has been so long! Wow. Not even sure if anyone is reading anymore, considering my terrible rate of updates! I have missed writing though, and so I'm happy to take the opportunity.

Much to catch up on for sure, but I'll just hit the highlights. I've felt really busy these days with work and my internship. Doing forty hours a week, which isn't so bad, but after doing zero hours a week for the entire summer, it takes some adjusting. Mostly I just get tired at the end of the day. It definitely feels weird not being in school too. I miss it for sure. Still though, I have no complaints. Life is truly amazing...

Which brings me to the most recent of my highlights and the lovely photo! Since I bought the tickets in the Spring, I had been looking forward to the U2 concert on September 20. All summer, I was so excited to know that on that date I would be healed and ready to enjoy their incredible show. Well, a few days have passed now and I'm still riding the high from the show. The experience began at 2:30pm, when I arrived at Gillette for the 7pm show to wait in line. This was the first show I bought GA (standing) tickets for, so I could try and get the opportunity to be really close to the band. I prepared as best I could and set out on the adventure with Bethany (my girlfriend), Cassandra (my sister), and my friend Salim. After a few hours of waiting, the gates opened and we were released onto the field. And to my delight, we got just about the greatest spot in the entire place! Right in front of the outer stage:
Picture taken by Richard McCaffrey for The Boston Phoenix

Salim is the guy looking at the camera with his fist in the air and I am (a bit harder to find) to the right of him. The first photo, of Bono, was actually taken from where we stood during the show! Just like every U2 show, it was out of this world. Equal parts fun and powerfully moving. I was lifted off the ground along with the tens of thousands of other fans. A night to remember.

After that night I thought it pretty much had to be downhill from there...instead, it was only the beginning. Earlier in the month I was emailed about an opportunity to volunteer for the ONE Campaign at the U2 show. I, of course, ecstatically signed up for the next night at Gillette. Two nights in a row of U2 - does life get any better? Yes!

I volunteered throughout the day, signing people up for the ONE Campaign. Only four years ago, I discovered the ONE Campaign to Make Poverty History, at a U2 concert. Now it came full circle and I had the opportunity to recruit. Very cool. AND I got to watch the show from inside the circle this time, even closer to the band. But I still haven't reached the climax of my U2 experience. Because as ONE volunteers we got to PARTICIPATE IN THE U2 SHOW! Yes, I had to use caps to say that - it's the only way, I'm sorry. I got to go on stage with the greatest band in the world and my hero. I'm still smiling. So allow me to elaborate on this experience (as if I haven't gone on long enough already)!

The song Walk On is dedicated to Aung San Suu Kyi, who has been a political prisoner in Burma for almost twenty years. One of the world's most oppressive governments has kept her under house arrest because she won a democratic election and they decided that couldn't happen. She was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and U2 is trying to give more attention to this amazing woman, in hopes that the international community will be able to set her free. During this song, the band asks that everyone wear a mask of Aung San Suu Kyi's face, that was handed out.

Meanwhile, I am back stage with volunteers from ONE and other organizations preparing for our part. I'm standing, listening, in total shock - about to literally pee myself. Bono asks for the volunteers to come out (our cue), we walk out onto the outer circle of the stage, lining up, looking out into a sea of over 60,000 people, and we hold the masks over our faces. I can feel the music pulsating behind me. It is a truly poignant moment for the entire stadium full of people. I am proud to stand for Aung San Suu Kyi.

And this is why I so totally love U2. Their music is action. It's a soundtrack to life; not one that simply plays along, but instead one that demands more of us. It was one of the most incredible moments in my life. Against the backdrop of my battle and victory with cancer, it is made all the sweeter. I feel so completely blessed and I am eternally grateful for all that I have.

What Now?!

It's the big question. What do I do now that I've had the gift of a full recovery? More importantly, what happens to this blog?!

After some thought, I've decided that as long as I have some readers out there, I should take the opportunity to share my thoughts, beliefs, rants, etc. Why not, right?! In all seriousness though, this blog has meant a lot to me and I look forward to continuing it. Now that I'm back to work and an active life, I'm certain the entries will be less frequent, but I will do my best to keep on letting you look through my lens.

Speaking of which, check out the pic above from last week's amazing camping trip. For the past four years I've been going up to Vermont camping on the White River and it is such an incredible escape. This year, it had new meaning. It meant escaping computers, televisions, and (gulp) even blackberries. But it also meant escaping needles, pills, scans, nausea, sickness, hospitals, cancer. It was a place that I could truly enjoy the freedom that good health brings. A breath of fresh air.

Alas, I am back to the real world now and that feels good too! I'm back working at the real estate company that has employed me for over seven years, BOWES GMAC Real Estate, with great people. AND to my pleasant surprise I have started a new internship! The company produces films, multimedia and does communication consulting - with a specialty in international development and peacebuilding. Really incredible stuff. You can check it out here: http://www.spectrummedia-boston.com/
At this internship I will be working on a proposal for a new film they will produce/direct.

So that's the latest. It is taking some adjusting doing full work days again and I get tired towards the end of the day, but I think I'm holding up pretty well. Certainly can't complain!

Time to Celebrate!

I received the best possible news from my doctor today! The CT scan shows that the lymph nodes in question have shrunk back to normal - which means that the chemotherapy was a success and I am cancer-free!!

Thank you all so much for every prayer, every good thought, and all of your incredible support. And thank God! To say that this is a relief is of course a gigantic understatement. I am overwhelmed with emotions. It will take a couple months to feel 100% again. Mostly I will still feel tired because this treatment was a bit of a shock to my body. Knowing that this treatment was successful though, makes it all so worth it.

I always thought I would hit the ground running when I graduated college in spring of this year, but instead the power that be decided to push the pause button. This summer has been a long pause, but not necessarily an entirely negative one. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. It has been a time to catch up on that stack of movies and books. A time to take care of myself and learn to cope with the much feared un-productivity. Most of all though, it has been a time to reflect. I have come away from this knowing that we need those pauses every now and again (minus the whole cancer thing though :)

Now, it is time to celebrate! I started a bit early and had a beer (pictured above) the other night for the first time in a very long time (I was told chemo + alcohol probably wasn't a good mix, so I waited). It was delicious, as expected. I look forward to enjoying the rest of the summer with a new peace of mind! It would be all too easy to push away all of these memories and just move on, and I will to some degree, but I can tell you that I will not take my health or this wonderful life for granted.

Speaking of Healthcare

I had the CT Scan done today. But I won't get the results until Monday when I meet with the doctor. I'm somewhat anxious, of course, but there isn't much I can do. Really hoping that this is the end of it. I'm ready to be finished.

Just going back to Dana makes me nauseous at this point. It annoys me that so much of the nausea is mental. I know it's mental and that should give me more control over it, but somehow it doesn't. I suppose it will just take time.

On another note, with healthcare being the topic of the day right now, I want to share this exceptional interview with you. Bill Moyers interviews a previous VP of the fourth largest Insurance company. The result is eye-opening and, I would go as far as to say, shocking. Really incredible insider information about how insurance companies operate. I highly recommend:
http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/07312009/watch.html

Healthcare reform has always been a controversial issue. I am stunned though when I watch the recent crowds at town hall meetings. I really wish more people could see this interview and learn the truth. We have a truly incredible opportunity before us; to reform this system and make sure that all Americans are treated with equal and excellent care. I feel fortunate to have received such care throughout this experience. I cannot imagine how much more difficult this would have been with anything less. Yet, millions of people do receive less and there is little in place to protect us from becoming one of them. We can change this.

Who Am I?

It's the age-old question. At least I think it is. Who am I? It's the self-awareness that separates us from any other species. The nagging question we all want to know the answer to. Who am I?

Well, it's certainly been nagging me. How does the big C word change who I am? I haven't even gotten used to identifying myself as a "cancer patient" and soon I'll be fortunate enough to identify myself as a "cancer survivor". The words don't roll of the tongue, that much is for sure. Actually, they make me nauseous. There is a struggle within. Part of me wants to embrace this new identity - knowing that it has made me a stronger person. Sure, it was never quite a near-death experience. But it could have been. Hell, I can beat anything now.

And yet, part of me wants nothing to do with this new identity. Part of me says "fuck cancer, I'm done." I'm sick of the nausea. Sick of the anxiety. Sick of being sick. I want to run as far away from this as possible.

But I can't and I won't. This experience will forever change me - there is no getting around that. For starters I will be reminded with routine scans at Dana Farber for the next 7 years. Or how about the next time I tell a friend I have more balls than he does (and then pause). Actually it's pretty funny/ironic. I mean, I've lost a testicle, but grown more "balls". Hmmm...ok, I'll stop with that metaphor.

Who am I? I don't have a simple answer. And I don't think "cancer survivor" will really capture how this latest chapter in my life has affected my identity. I suppose our experiences continue to shed light on the answer, but there will always be some dark areas. Maybe more than dark areas; sometimes it feels like we're totally in the dark (with nothing more than a small flash light). Uh-oh, here I go again with another metaphor.

I'm okay without a direct answer. What's important is that I keep checking in with myself, asking the question, and shedding more light on the matter. This blog has truly given me that opportunity. You have given me that opportunity.

So allow me to provide another answer to this big question and end another entry with my favorite word. Ubuntu; I am because we are.

Done!

Today was my very final chemo treatment! Woohoo! So much relief. I really am ready to move on with my life. I'm the type of person that wants to hit the ground running, but I do still need to take it slow. The doctor said it could take as long as my treatment was (9 weeks) to get back to feeling 100%. Still, every day should be a better one and that fills me with optimism.
The next step is a CT scan that I have scheduled for next Friday, August 14th. We're hoping and praying that the inflammation they saw in my lymph nodes has gone away or at least stayed the same. If they look more inflamed than surgery may be next, and not a very pretty one.

I remain optimistic, as do the doctors, that this aggressive chemo treatment I just finished, killed all of the cancer cells. Any positive energy you wanna send my way is much appreciated though! I will certainly keep you posted.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Dissapointment

I spoke too soon! I woke up Sunday morning, packed and ready to leave for UCONN where the conference was being held. Too bad my body wasn't ready to let me leave. I not only slipped back into a nauseous state, but I also started throwing up which up until that day had been a rare occurrence throughout this whole chemo ordeal. Hours went by without any sign of improvement. My mind desperately wanted to leave for the conference, but my body just wouldn't have it.

I felt foreign in my own body - like I was locked inside. I was locked inside a failing system. This frustrates me to no end. I hate such limitations. I hate losing control. But then, this whole experience has been all about giving it up. You'd think by now I'd learn. Yet still I fight it. I'd be lying if I said I'm not dissapointed about not being able to attend the incredible opportunity that this conference is. Yet I do know when to let things go. There is always next year and I know that my involvement with UNESCO will continue.

Right now the priorities in my life have been shifted dramatically. First priority is me. More specifically, it is my body. My mind and soul must aid my body through this difficult process until balance can be reached amongst all three. I feel like I'm in one of those comeback movies. This is the low part of my life, where things kinda suck. My comeback montage is just around the corner. And it will be glorious.

The Highs and the Lows

Wow. What a week this was. Just thinking about it makes me feel sick. However, I am happy to report that I have emerged!

I have emerged from my final 5-day treatment of chemotherapy and now I have only one more short treatment left on Thursday. Woohooo!! Today is the first day that I can say I'm feeling "pretty good." I suppose the chemo wanted to go out with a bang. As I've already mentioned, it seriously makes me sick to even think (or write) about how bad it was. The effects on the mind are just so intense. I know time will heal, as it already has, but when I was in the midst of it all that kind of mindset was difficult to establish.

I reached a new "low", feeling lost in it all and not knowing when, if ever, it would go away. Logically I knew it would end, but that logic goes out the window in the thick of it. Since then I've had high moments when I feel like I'm done with this suffering, but these "highs" are still temporary at the moment. The lower I fall, the higher I can rise. I truly do feel that way and I know that I am now on the rise. It feels good. Feels damn good, actually.

And just in time to accompany this rise is a conference that I've been very excited (and anxious) about attending. The conference is held by UNESCO (United Nations Eductational, Scientific and Cultural Organization) and is an International Leadership Training Program. More info here. I feel so honored to be attending this conference with young leaders from around the world. It is an experience that I know I will gain so much from. I've been worried about not being able to attend due to my health, but I've decided that I will go tomorrow until Wednesday, and be back in time for my last treatment on Thursday. I'm certain I will have much to share when I get back. And share I shall!

Falling

Well these past few days have been incredibly trying. And on the cusp of my post about strength, I am indeed discovering what it's like to be utterly defenseless - feeling totally lost in it all.

My first few days of the 5day went well, but then the side effects started to become worse, fast. Nausea became terrible and I've felt incredibly bloated with fluids that they give me. I've never been so uncomfortable in my life. It is beginning to taper off now, but this gross humid weather doesn't help. I could keep complaining, but it wouldn't help. Suffice to say I am very anxious for this to be over, and (thankfully) it almost is!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Strength

Here I sit during my fourth of five days of chemo treatment. Pulling through! I've mentioned before that I want this experience to be an opportunity to learn and grow. I know that I've learned quite a bit already, particularly about strength.

What has strength or being strong meant to me? Well strength has been saying "(gulp)okay, go ahead and remove my testicle (yikes!)". Strength has been agreeing to 9 weeks of chemo, after hearing the laundry list of terrible side effects. And then strength has been coming to chemo day after day, knowing that each dose, although coming closer to wiping out the big C, will also make me feel crappier. I've learned that you really can't have the good days without the bad days - how precious those good days are. I have learned so much about how strong I can be.

Equally important though, I've learned where that strength comes from. It comes from a deep faith in God. An optimism that fills my heart so completely - knowing that things will work out. I know that I have much work to do yet, and that this strength will allow me to achieve a great many things. Shit, after beating cancer what obstacle could be too challenging or too difficult?

I must also say that so much of my strength, faith and optimism comes from all of you - my support system. Those who believe so deeply in me and don't let me fall or falter. I am truly blessed to have such a level of support. I've said it before, i'll say it again and again. Ubuntu: I am because we are.

Thank you for giving me strength.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A Dilemma

One day down and four to go! Yesterday wasn't so bad at the hospital, but I felt pretty crappy once I got home. Today is mediocre. About halfway done with treatment now. Gonna get through this.

Had am interesting dilemma yesterday in the food court though. I had just bought a delicious italian sub from subway, when a man tapped me on the shoulder looking for money. I instinctively ignored him in the same manner I might ignore one of those salespeople at mall kiosks selling useless products - I've gotten pretty good at that.

When I got to my seat I thought about what I had done. Totally ignored a man clearly desperate for some money. I mean who else could swallow their pride like that and start begging in the food court? And here I am, claiming to want to help the world's poor.

I got to talking to my Mom and Bethany about the situation and my guilt, as we ate lunch and watched the man still approaching people. What would he do with the money? Use it on food or, as we often tend to think, drugs and booze? How can we know? And why are we so afraid to talk to these people? I rarely just ignore someone and usually offer some money, but for some reason fear and instinct took over.

The situation really perplexed and bothered me. What do we, who live so comfortably, have to fear? Perhaps we fear becoming like this man - losing our material items, then necessities, and reaching desperation. I decided to ask for second chance. Bethany had half of her wrap left and I had four dollars. I thought offering him food may be insulting, sort of like, "let me decide what you should need".

I got up from my table, seeked out the man, approached him and said, "I'm sorry. I ignored you earlier and I shouldn't have." Next to the man was a security guard who clearly was unhappy. Still, I continued and asked the man what he needs. He replied that he just wants to buy something to eat. I offered him my half wrap, but he declined and told me I can eat it. Then I offered and gave him my four dollars. At this, the security guard got annoyed with me. He said, " you can't do that. He's harassing people." I replied, "No one should go hungry." The man thanked me a few times and I left.

Now I don't share this story to sound like some hero or something. I really hope I made the right decision, but I don't know. It's very possible the money will be used for drugs. But maybe it will prevent the man from further acts of desperation such as stealing money from someone. Or maybe the money really is for food. Maybe that man is Jesus. Maybe my act will make a difference in his life. I truly hope so.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Enjoying Summer

This past weekend I made a trip up to Lake Winnipesaukee with Bethany and a few others. It was my first trip of the summer and I was worried about the two-hour car ride, but I did just fine. My dad has an ice cream and candy store on Weirs Beach on a pier that my grandparents own, so it's a fun time. Doesn't feel like summer without a visit to Weirs Beach. It was nice being able to spend some time with my dad and sister. The weather was a huge plus too; I even got to use the pool - what a gorgeous weekend it was! Check out the view from the balcony of the place we stayed. Such a beautiful lake.

These days the nausea has been mild, but consistent. I'm trying not to let it run my life though. Being proactive with medication. I'm finding that a lot of the nausea is mental, so that can be tough to deal with. But dealing, I am. It certainly has been nice having a break.

I am both dreading and eager for Thursday. It's my final 5-day treatment, sure to be abound with that "eck" feeling. It's the start of my final cycle though, which is very exciting. Mentally, I am preparing myself for this final 3-week battle. I don't want to build it up too much, but I do want to be prepared. So let the battle horn ring loud because cancer is a'going down.

This Film is 2/3 Over

Officially completed my second of three cycles! That means next Thursday begins my final 3-week cycle, starting off with the oh-so-lovely 5-day treatment from hell. But hey, it will be my last 5-day!

Had an appointment with the doctor yesterday and everything is on track. I am kicking cancer's ass in the blockbuster action film of the summer that will have no sequels. That's right, you heard me cancer - no sequels.

Speaking of films though, here are some new ratings for your enjoyment: The Hangover (Excellent), Frost/Nixon (Excellent), What's Eating Gilbert Grape (Very Good), Barton Fink (Very Good), The Lives of Others (Excellent), The Promotion (Good), There Will be Blood (Excellent), The Green Mile (Excellent)

And while I'm at it, here are some books I've read thus far. All come highly recommended:

A Persistent Peace: One Man's Struggle for a Nonviolent World by John Dear
This book follows the story of John Dear, a Jesuit Priest who has consistently stood for peace through radical non-violence. Ironically this peace stance landed him in countless jail cells over the years. His story is truly compelling; it has moved me to a non-violence position. It is a position that I did not always stand in, but I find myself now totally convinced.

As I put my body through this intense warfare, I wonder why and how we have come to a place where we so easily resort to inflicting pain upon each other and ourselves. Imagine if we lived in a world where war wasn't even an option? If violence was not a tool by which our nation seeks to gain power, but instead that tool was peace. It sounds hokey, perhaps, idealistic at the least. And yet, why couldn't we be that kind of society? Perhaps a better question that this wonderful book raises: what will happen to us if we remain on course - if we keep choosing to respond to violence with violence? Dr. King puts it best with this, "It is no longer a choice between violence and nonviolence; it’s nonviolence or nonexistence."

Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch
I had been recommended this book for some time now and I finally read it. What a refreshing read it is. Regardless of your religious background, this book gives you a whole new perspective on God, spirituality and religion. It puts you in control and in touch with a profound spirituality. One eye-opening example I can offer: there is no hell! Why would God offer us free will, but then say, "make sure you make the right choices." What kind of free will would that be? And is he such a vengeful God to want to punish us for eternity? These are just a few of the very freeing points made in this book.


Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist by Michael J. Fox
I figured I could use a healthy dose of optimism as I go through treatment, so I purchased Michael J. Fox's latest book. I've always been amazed at this actor's strength and moved by his story. His optimism is so evident through the stories that he tells in this book and even his warm writing style. Fox responded to his disease by starting what is now the #1 Parkinson's Foundation. His achievements are, to put it lightly, inspiring. His book is a great read about all facets of life. I really enjoyed it.

My Real Drive

So by now I've shed some light on a few aspects of my life with you all; my passion for film and filmmaking, love of music (U2), joy for reading, and more than a bit of my ever-changing philosophy on life. What I have for the most part left in the shadows is my drive for activism; to make a difference in this world. It has become a core part of who I am and I feel very much obliged and fortunate to share it with you.

At the risk of sounding self-indulgent, I could and probably will write a book about all my experiences with activism someday. Mostly because it still is all a bit of a shock to me. For now though, I'll spare you and keep the story abbreviated :)

It started in 2005, totally out of left in the field that is my life. I didn't find the cause, it found me - at where else but a U2 concert. It was there that Bono planted the seeds in a speech he gave about our generation's opportunity and his ONE Campaign to Make Poverty History. The cause dug in further and spread its roots when I began a research project of my choosing about ending poverty in sub-Saharan Africa. The research project resulted in this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dQfIV7SodE). More people need to know that 30,000 children are dying today needlessly, because of extreme poverty; that we can save all of them. The cause became so inescapable that I felt absolutely compelled to start a chapter of the ONE Campaign at Curry College. Just starting my Sophomore year, doing full-time courses, as a commuter who worked 20 hours per week, being involved with a club totally was not in the plans. Once again though, I had no control of "the plans."

Today I can honestly say among so much work at Curry that I am very proud of, ONE Curry is at the very, very top. In three years time our club raised over $11,000 to build a well in Sudan, Africa - to provide clean water for a village where one of our club members, Peter Nhiany, was born. The well will be built in 2010 and it will stand as a monument to the difference a few compassionate and committed people can make in this world.

Equally as important has been our ability to spread awareness to the population at Curry College and beyond. As one of my final endeavors as President of the club, we embarked on our "Rock the Change Tour" just this past spring. I can happily share this project with you via video. It is without a doubt one of the greatest things I've done as both an activist and a filmmaker. As young activists we planned this tour in only one week and executed it in only 5 days. As a filmmaker and as a labor of love, I spent 36 hours (minus 2 hours of sleep) editing our 5 hours of footage down to a 14 minute powerhouse. I hope this video will share with you my real drive:

ONE Curry was selected as on of the top 10 ONE Campuses in the country and was given $1,000 from the ONE Campaign to create a project and compete against the 9 other campuses to win the #1 spot! During their Rock the Change Tour, ONE Curry rocked an elementary school, an elderly housing facility and their own campus.

A Beautiful Day

Well yesterday was somewhat of a disappointment. I've come to expect to feel better upon each day that separates me from the last chemo treatment, but for some reason yesterday I took a step backwards and felt more nauseous. Anyway, no point in dwelling on it because today I'm better. I think I'll have to come up with a new word for nausea soon though because the word alone is beginning to have an impact on me. The mind is a powerful thing!

Today I went for a drive to Porter Square to meet Bethany and our friend John for lunch, which was great. Driving myself really felt awesome too. I've always enjoyed driving, but I haven't been able to in a while because of all the side effects/drugs. I guess you take for granted that feeling behind the wheel. You're in control, and these days that kind of control feels especially powerful and good. I blasted the music, opened the windows, drove a little faster than I should, and enjoyed every second of it - happily leaving any worries behind. There really is nothing like listening to music in your car is there? For some reason I can never duplicate the experience when I listen with headphones or just at home. Part of it is being able to pretend I'm Bono's background singer with no one else to hear me.

That's all I listened to by the way - all U2. Their newest album, No Line on the Horizon, to be specific. I am a very proud U2 fan-atic. Saw them twice at the Garden, once at the Somerville Theatre just recently, and I'll be seeing them at Gillette in September, which I'm incredibly excited about (field tickets!!). U2 is pretty much the soundtrack to my life. They've got it all. I mean literally, they have it all. A profound depth and passion that is purely unique to them. I could keep going, but I won't.

Here Comes the Sun

Can you believe these gorgeous couple of days? Finally summer is here! I've really been enjoying the outdoors and its healing qualities. Went for a nice walk yesterday and today, which really helped me burn away some bad energy. They give me this steroid with chemo that helps the anti-nausea meds work and I'm thankful for it, but it really gets me hyped up in an odd way. I find it hard to sit still and concentrate or even sleep. Walking turned out to be a great remedy though. A good walk just does the body wonders - it is amazing.
And sitting outside with a good book after was awesome. I'm thankful for some time to catch up on all these books I've been dying to read. I'll have start supplying some reviews soon.

So all in all, feeling pretty good. Have some nausea still, but it should keep getting better now that I have this break from treatment until Thursday. And i'll enjoy every minute of it.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Blanketed in Love

Take a look at this amazing creation by Bethany's aunt Brenda and Uncle Todd!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Suffering

I believe I can accurately say that these last few days have been most physically arduous of my life. I do not drop those words lightly, because they are packed with quite a punch. This last 5-day treatment was excruciating. First and foremost they were filled with debilitating nausea - the worst yet. It is a form of nausea that takes no prisoners and won't let me concentrate on anything for too long of a time (reason for my lack of blogging, by the way). I always find it difficult to accurately gauge pain, because at any point the game can change, but this was some of the worst I've ever experienced. I clung to the pills and they offered some relief, but it wasn't enough.

I found myself clinging to something altogether higher: positivity. Make no mistake, this exercise was absolutely ludicrous at times; doubled over in pain, trying to "think happy thoughts". Amazing it is though, that we can still grab at that goodness, amidst such pain. It can be done.

I thought about the love that I have from so, so many people. A love that I never even knew surrounded me. I thought about all of the experiences I've had, the places I've been, the things I've done. My achievements and what I'm most proud of in life. I thought about all of the comments that give me energy every day as I read them on this blog. The courage and strength that support shines on me. I thought about God - How I feel I am in His arms throughout this.

I thought about Jesus. How he suffered. I thought about those who suffer like this, daily. Knowing my suffering is temporary offers such consolation, but I can't imagine the unknowing. So many people face it, every day. I tried to suffer with them. In solidarity. But I don't feel strong enough for that kind of suffering and I am just awe-struck by it. Perhaps a newfound respect for that suffering is one of the many lessons I can learn from this experience. Perhaps what I have to learn is that I still have so much to learn.

Today I feel as though I'm coming out the other end, starting to feel better and having more control. Tomorrow I'll face another short dose of chemo, which will set me back a bit, but it will be much more temporary. Then I'll have a week off, which I am totally psyched for. Big sigh of relief.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, words of encouragement, support, love and care. I hope I've been able to convey how much of a difference it really does make.

Dazed and Confused

Well this has been quite the 4th of July weekend! Wow. I've done 4 days of the 5-day treatment (one more to go tomorrow) and I'm really feeling it. It's definitely having a cumulative effect that's leaving me pretty dazed. The nausea gets worse each day and takes more meds to fix, which leaves me pretty out of it(hence the minimal blogging). Oh and I've got this new side-effect: hiccups! Who knew hiccups could be so damn annoying?! I'll get them for like an hour at a time, while they distract the hell out of me, and they won't go away no matter what remedy I attempt! So I got some pills for that too now...Not my best days for sure, but some necessary battles are taking place to really wipe this out.

The good news is that my white blood count has risen back to a normal range and the even better news is that the tumor markers in my blood (which they use to monitor the cancer) have dropped significantly! On June 18th the markers were at 31 and 48.1. On July 2nd, the markers were at 0.5 and 6.8. In other words, I'm kicking cancer's ass!

Tomorrow I finish the 5-day and boy I can't wait! These days have really taught me about losing control. By no means am I in a downward spiral or anything to that effect, but instead simply trusting the hands of my doctors, nurses, family, loved ones, and of course God. Just as the rain finally did, I remain ever faithful that this too shall soon pass.

A Bad Hair Day

Well, because I shaved my head pretty short a couple of weeks ago, it took longer for my hair to fall out. Still, the inevitable happened today. I could have let it slowly fall out, but I opted to take the time to wipe most of it out at once. Again, I'd rather be in control of the situation.

I have to admit though, there is something depressing about losing your hair. I'm not quite sure what it is. I mean, it serves no purpose really - now that we've got clothing and hats. Still, each time I rubbed my head and saw an army of hairs speckled on my hand, there was this feeling of loss. Maybe it's because this hair loss has just been so ingrained in us as a signpost of cancer. It can make you feel like a victim, which is entirely not how you want to feel.

The thing is, it's the chemo that causes the hair loss. And it's the chemo that's fighting the good fight. The hair will grow back. The cancer will not. And so, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sunday Morning Fever

Well Saturday was a great day. Feeling good, had dinner with some friends and it was great to get out. Sunday, on the other hand, was a sucky day. Woke up with a fever, which is bad. Because my white blood count is so low and I'm more susceptible to getting sick, I probably got an infection. Doctors say if the fever gets to 100.5 that's the magic number when I need to be admitted to a hospital for some antibiotics. It was a nerve-racking day. The highest it got was 100.1, so fortunately I was in the clear. Still having a fever all day definitely was not fun.

I slept (and sweat) it off and I'm happy to report that today the fever is gone. Phew! It's just crazy how every day is so incredibly different. Today I'm feeling pretty decent, just a bit of nausea and a sore throat.

On the flip side of things, it has been pretty cool to see so many movies over these past couple weeks. It rekindles my passion and excitement to enter the movie business. Here are all the movies (that I can think of right now) that I've watched, with a little rating too in case you're interested ;)

The Sting (Excellent), My Bloody Valentine (OK), 3:10 To Yuma (Very Good), Once Upon a Time in the West (Excellent), Le Cercle Rouge (Very Good), Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day (Good), The Hudsucker Proxy (Very Good), Pretty Woman (Very Good), The Visitor (Very Good), Before the Devil Knows You're Dead (Very Good), Stripes (Very Good)

That's all for now. Fortunately none got my "bad" or "very bad" rating. I try to exercise some prejudice before choosing. If you've got any recommendations for flicks I should check out, feel free to share!

The Breakdown

Finished my first cycle of treatment yesterday! Woohoo! Unfortunately, it was a pretty bad day. I went in to Dana feeling pretty good, after a nice few days off from treatment. By the time I got home, I had a rising fever, worsening sore throat, and (the worst part) nausea returning. Didn't keep dinner down either, which certainly didn't help matters. On top of all that, my white blood count has dropped from 5,000 to like 400, which is pretty crazy. It means I'm very susceptible to getting sick. But it's nothing out of the ordinary considering the aggressive treatment I'm getting.

I slept it off and I'm feeling better today. Still got some lingering nausea, but all in all I'm doing okay.

So I'm done with the first cycle. What now? Well, here is the breakdown: In total my treatment consists of three back-to-back, 3-week cycles. That makes nine weeks in total. During each three week cycle, the first week is a 5-day chemo (Thursday-Monday), the second and third weeks are one-day chemo (Thursdays). So I begin my second cycle next Thursday, which I am NOT looking forward to. The 5-day treatments are 4-5 hours each as oppose to the 1-day which is about a half hour. Plus the 5-day features much worse side-effects.

This time I feel more prepared, which is good. Plus, based on the side effects I faced last time, my doctor will be adding some new drugs to the mix to help me deal with them. The good news of course is that I've got one whole cycle behind me. Two more to go and then that should be the end of all this.

Coming Soon...

I've been off the anti-nausea meds for two days! Wooh! It's really nice not having to deal with that. Feeling more "with it". I even got some video editing done today, which was pretty cool. Got tired after a little while and had to rest, but it was nice to work on it. I've been working on this short film for over a year, and I'm putting the finishing touches on it now. It is the longest project I've ever worked on and it's just an incredible experience to see it through from beginning to end. I wrote it at least two years ago now and this summer I plan to have a finished product. Something like 25 minutes long.

What's it about, you ask? Cindy, while working in the college library, discovers a homeless man, Bud, in the basement. They're both alone and wounded, and over a couple days they bond in that odd way that sometimes can happen with total strangers.

Don't worry, it's not as cheesy as it sounds. I'm really very proud of it and can't wait to share it! In the mean time feel free to check out my last (totally different) short film:

Solidarity

Wow. I continue to be surprised, touched, and blessed with the support I have from the people around me. Check out these pics of more great souls showing their solidarity and bringing bald back. Starting with Bethany's cousins Charles and William, her uncle (their dad) Todd, and my dear friend John. Many thanks to each of them!

The Ultimate Excuse

Well on the positive side I've got less nausea, which is great. It should keep getting better, as it was the five-day treatment that caused most of it. On the negative side, the fatigue is getting worse. During these coming days I will face a lowering white blood count which causes that fatigue and makes me more susceptible to getting sick. Washing hands a lot and can't go out too much.

It's a strange feeling to keep resting and still feel tired. Watching lots of television, but trying to read too. At least when I read I feel like I'm being somewhat productive. Still, I am learning more (or at least trying) to let go of the productivity obsession. Its ok to just rest in silence, or just look out at the window at nature and listen to birds chirping, or catch up on that stack of movies. Aren't we always looking for excuses to take the time to do those things?

Alright well I'll try and take full advantage of this excuse. Even better, I'll do my best to make it an opportunity. Because I truly believe it is just that. It's an opportunity that will take time to fully realize. But fear not, I have plenty of time.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Catching Up on Flicks

Happy to report that today is a much better day. Nausea is at bay with the normal meds, sore throat isn't as bad and fever is gone! Just watched the movie Taken and decided that I want Liam Neeson fighting my cancer - so badass. Don't get me wrong, the movie isn't amazing, but it was a high-rush, action flick. What I'd usually expect from one of my favorite action movie producers, Luc Besson, who wrote and directed one of my favs of all time Leon (also known in U.S. as The Professional).

Definitely appreciating this day, in the wake of yesterday. As I've mentioned before, those bad days really do make the good ones all the better. Health seems to be one of those things we really do just take for granted.

Next up is The Visitor which I've been wanting to see for a while now and a nice bowl of mac n cheese :)

A Cloudy Day

Tough day today. Started awful; threw up for the first time, while on the way in to Dana. Then had to wait hours for a covering doc to be ready. Chemo was quick, which was nice, but followed by terrible sore throat and a fever.

Hoping the sun will shine tomorrow. They say I'll start feeling less nausea during these next few days. VERY excited for that. Blood tests came back good today too - white blood count was good. It'll start dropping though and i'll have to be more careful not to catch anything in the coming days.

Looking forward to tomorrow :)
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Declaring Battle

I was told that losing my hair due to the chemo would be inevitable, based on the type I'm receiving. I decided to strike first, and shaved it off last night. This battle will be on my terms.

I also had the support of warriors, Peter Pongratz and Patrick Spencer. Actually, they decided to shave their heads first, after which I reconsidered shaving mine. But they assured me it was too late to reconsider.

All joking aside, it was a really amazing gesture amongst us men and I feel so honored by their willingness to take that leap. And it was great not having to touch my hair this morning!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Hmmm...

The battle rages inside and I'm feeling the effects on the outside. Can't concentrate as well, stuff seems less interesting - almost an out-of-body experience, actually. But hey, I'm plugging away. The nausea has been at bay for the most part, but stupid acid-reflux is a killer now. Doc says it's a result of the chemo, so I'm getting another prescription to keep it down. Yet another medication!

Finding it somewhat difficult to not be productive. Funny, when you get used to "doing" all the time and analyzing everything in terms of "what you get done" it's hard to take a step back and not do. I've become so hardwired that way. Right now my body is fighting away at this and I need to concentrate on that. Imagine though, if I were suffering this anywhere else in the world? In a developing country? A place where there is no time to stop "doing", because "doing" means living another day. Reminds me to be grateful to be fighting this disease under these circumstances. Sure, it sucks, I can't deny that. But it sucks a whole lot more for people who can't afford simple treatments or put food in their belly. Actually, it more than sucks. It's unjust. No one should suffer that. But they do. And we allow it to happen. Every day.

I know, I'm getting up on my soapbox. It's gonna happen. Not to be depressing though. Just to hit home a point. That we're all in this together. Our suffering - it's all the same. The good news is, we can do a lot to change it.

That's all I'll say for now, before I ramble on to much! But I assure you, to be continued...

Learning how to eat (during treatment!)

Those of you who know me, know that I have what you might call a ferocious appetite. Some people eat to live. I live to eat. I just love food! So this whole anti-nausea, appetite changing business has been a tough adjustment. I think I'm starting to catch on though.

The trick is, as soon as I have a craving and get an appetite for something - I need to go for it! It's almost as if my body demands a certain food. Perhaps it wants the vitamins and minerals in that food, or perhaps it just knows that food will make me happy. Whatever the reason, the scrambled eggs with homefries and toast did the trick for me this morning. Mmm...

Of course tomorrow, that same meal could disgust me. That is the tricky part to all of this. Every day a new set of taste buds arise. I dunno, maybe it'll be a good opportunity to try new things; branch out! I do know one thing: I will continue eating. And with every meal, I will have the knowledge that the cancer is losing this battle. Period.

Today started off pretty bad - very sick, weak and full of nausea. As I write this though, I'm feeling much better. Staying on top of things today with drugs and food - major allies in this battle. Got to spend some quality time with Dad at the hospital today too and with my Mom at home. So easy to take that time for granted, and sad that it takes something like this to make it happen. But I really am enjoying it so much.

Ubuntu. It's an African Zulu word that means "I am because we are". Many reading my blog will recognize the word as it is my all-time favorite - and I'm sure I'll quote it many more times. It gets at the very essence of how we define ourselves as human beings. We are only human with and through other humans. That is the essence of humanity. Food and drugs are wonderful, don't get me wrong. But Ubuntu will truly be my saving Grace.

Hold your ground!

Cumulative effects are a'coming. Chemo builds up and the nausea gets worse. Never experienced such constant nausea before, but the pills are helping. Just trying to stay ahead of it, which is difficult. Appetite is all over the place. Also feeling weaker and finding it harder to concentrate.



I guess this is all to be expected when the body gets pumped full of this toxin. I like to imagine the chemo and cancer are having a pretty epic showdown right now. Lord of the Rings style. I'm throwing pills on the front line and Cancer is goin' down.



Only one more day of chemo before I get a break, until Thursday. Looking forward to that. Nurses continue to amaze me. Such deep compassion and love. I'm feeling the struggle that this is going to be and I couldn't do it alone. Blessed to have so many wonderful people around me. I'll get through this. One day at a time.



Oh and I've decided that Aragorn is leading my chemo troops. Enjoy this badass quote from The Return of the King:

" Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you *stand, Men of the West!"

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Good Days and the Bad Days

Well yesterday was a good day. Even after I got home I kept on eating, had some delicious haddock cooked by me ma. Didn't even have to take anti-nausea stuff.

Too bad I didn't though, because today is not such a good day. Started with nausea and even now after the meds in the hospital, I'm not feeling too great. Should be heading home soon though, which will be nice.

Couple lessons learned: 1) its ok to rely on the drugs they give me to take home, and I shall! 2) there will be good days and bad days, ups and downs, just as in life. I try to remember that without the bad days, there can't really be good days. Its all relative. Yes, its true the bad days will suck, but the good days will be all the brighter.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

In Peace You Rest, Test

A hilarious, awesome, and touching song written by Jared Blake, just for meee! http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/video/video.php?v=100652059523&ref=mf

Cancer going away party pix!

Check em out on facebook: http://facebook.com/album.php?r74415056&aid=120121&id=580487891&page=4&refid=13
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day Two

Last night was tough. I was surprised by how quickly I felt the effects of chemo. Nausea came on, but the meds helped. Lost some appetite too, but today I'm feeling better.

Got the chemo running now, been here since 8:30 so another long day, but should be done soon! Met an interesting character today. He was receiving chemo next to me, in his fifties, and he has terminal cancer. He had this tidbit of wisdom to share: "Every day is a gift from God...as long as you're gettin' laid."

Three more full days to go, before I get a break. Though I'm told week two is tougher. Between all the water they tell me to drink and the fluids they give me through the IV, I've never peed so much in my life! I'm pretty sure I could just start bottling and selling it as water. But I won't...

Thank you all for the wonderful comments, by the way, I read them as they come in and they always put a smile on my face and give me a boost of good energy :)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Anticlimactic!

Just finishing my final dose of chemo for the day! I must say its all very anticlimactic. Certainly not complaining, but the chemo doesn't feel like anything really. Though they have loaded me with some anti-nausea meds so I guess that has something to do with it. There is quite the list of potential side effects, but I'm hopeful that I don't suffer them too badly.

Before starting today I was kind of hoping that I'd be alone with my family in the room. But after being here for this long day, I can say it's so comforting to be with other people who are going through the same thing. I already feel a strong sense of community here; an invisible bond that connects us. And I feel ashamed at ever thinking I'd be better off in a private room, separated from these people.

The care here at Dana Farber is incredible. Not only the level of skill, but also the level of compassion. I feel very comfortable here and blessed to have such a high level of care. The IV is beeping now, which concludes my first day of chemotherapy! Woot woot!

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Let the treatment begin!

Just got a great hand massage from a volunteer here at Dana - my first hand massage ever, I might add. Maybe this treatment thing isn't so bad after all!



Checkout my wicked cool bracelet pictured above, created by Bethany's mom, Cheryl Pongratz. Had a great cancer going away party last night with the family, which included genital balloon hats and a very provocative cake. Pictures coming soon ;)

So I'm sitting in a room now with my family and three other patients who are receiving chemo. Right now its just stuff to hydrate me thru the IV in preparation for the high grade stuff that follows. My mom has struck a relationship with another family who are greek, talking about greek food and making me hungry. I'll be getting lots of home cooked meals soon. Woohoo!

Oh and some more good news: the chemo regiment will be 9 weeks but only three of those weeks will be 5 days per week. The rest will be one day per week :)

So thats the latest for now. Chemo will start in a few minutes and I'll be back with updates.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A New Chapter

On May 17th I graduated valedictorian from Curry College with a major in Communication, concentration in film and minor in English. Four years of hard work culminated to this exciting moment. The moment that the "real world" would become real and a new chapter would begin.

However, this new chapter, and my first challenge as a post-grad, would instead begin 11 days prior to graduation, on May 6th when I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. The news came as a shock, but then I suppose it's the sort of news that always does. Prior to the diagnosis I was sure the mass I felt must have just been some small, temporary problem - nothing serious. Certainly not the dreaded "C word".

Six days before graduation I had surgery to remove the testicle, optimistic that this procedure would be the end of it. When questioning the Doctor if there would be any long-term effects of losing a testicle, he replied with, "Nope. That's why God made two". Phew! Just over four weeks later I'm pretty much fully recovered, with just some minor soreness and fatigue. I graduated walking tall, feeling proud, fortunate, and even awe-struck by an amazing (and terribly fast) four years.

Unfortunately the surgery was not the end of this chapter though. Dana Farber would be the next stop, where I discovered that the cancer was not contained. Blood tests revealed that there are "tumor markers" present, which indicate that cancer still exists in my body. It means I'll need the more aggressive treatment of chemotherapy: 5 days per week for 9 weeks. There goes summer! The bottom line though: I am going to be fine. The type of cancer is extremely treatable.

I start treatment tomorrow and during these 9 weeks I am told that I won't be able to work or do much else. Sun will be bad for me, I'll lose my hair, feel drained, etc., etc. Fortunately I've been long-far behind my movie and book collection! Which also brings me to this blog. I've always wanted to start a blog....but never really found the time. Sure, it's a less than ideal situation, but why not make the best of it?

I hope this blog can serve as a means of updating friends, family, and all my loved ones - all of whom I feel extremely blessed and supported for having in my life. As a communication major (and English minor), I'm pretty sure the blog is just as much for me though. A place where I can share my creativity, thoughts, feelings, and everything else you may or (quite possibly) may not want to read!

Speaking of which, I'm impressed if you've made it this far down the entry! I'll try and be shorter next time, but I can't make any promises...

I will end with this: I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason. That there is some greater power at work in this world. And so, I do not ask "why did this happen to me?" with anger, but instead with curiosity and an openness to learn and grow. This chapter will undoubtedly be one of the most important in my life. I will embrace it. And I'll do my best to share it.