A Bad Hair Day

Well, because I shaved my head pretty short a couple of weeks ago, it took longer for my hair to fall out. Still, the inevitable happened today. I could have let it slowly fall out, but I opted to take the time to wipe most of it out at once. Again, I'd rather be in control of the situation.

I have to admit though, there is something depressing about losing your hair. I'm not quite sure what it is. I mean, it serves no purpose really - now that we've got clothing and hats. Still, each time I rubbed my head and saw an army of hairs speckled on my hand, there was this feeling of loss. Maybe it's because this hair loss has just been so ingrained in us as a signpost of cancer. It can make you feel like a victim, which is entirely not how you want to feel.

The thing is, it's the chemo that causes the hair loss. And it's the chemo that's fighting the good fight. The hair will grow back. The cancer will not. And so, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sunday Morning Fever

Well Saturday was a great day. Feeling good, had dinner with some friends and it was great to get out. Sunday, on the other hand, was a sucky day. Woke up with a fever, which is bad. Because my white blood count is so low and I'm more susceptible to getting sick, I probably got an infection. Doctors say if the fever gets to 100.5 that's the magic number when I need to be admitted to a hospital for some antibiotics. It was a nerve-racking day. The highest it got was 100.1, so fortunately I was in the clear. Still having a fever all day definitely was not fun.

I slept (and sweat) it off and I'm happy to report that today the fever is gone. Phew! It's just crazy how every day is so incredibly different. Today I'm feeling pretty decent, just a bit of nausea and a sore throat.

On the flip side of things, it has been pretty cool to see so many movies over these past couple weeks. It rekindles my passion and excitement to enter the movie business. Here are all the movies (that I can think of right now) that I've watched, with a little rating too in case you're interested ;)

The Sting (Excellent), My Bloody Valentine (OK), 3:10 To Yuma (Very Good), Once Upon a Time in the West (Excellent), Le Cercle Rouge (Very Good), Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day (Good), The Hudsucker Proxy (Very Good), Pretty Woman (Very Good), The Visitor (Very Good), Before the Devil Knows You're Dead (Very Good), Stripes (Very Good)

That's all for now. Fortunately none got my "bad" or "very bad" rating. I try to exercise some prejudice before choosing. If you've got any recommendations for flicks I should check out, feel free to share!

The Breakdown

Finished my first cycle of treatment yesterday! Woohoo! Unfortunately, it was a pretty bad day. I went in to Dana feeling pretty good, after a nice few days off from treatment. By the time I got home, I had a rising fever, worsening sore throat, and (the worst part) nausea returning. Didn't keep dinner down either, which certainly didn't help matters. On top of all that, my white blood count has dropped from 5,000 to like 400, which is pretty crazy. It means I'm very susceptible to getting sick. But it's nothing out of the ordinary considering the aggressive treatment I'm getting.

I slept it off and I'm feeling better today. Still got some lingering nausea, but all in all I'm doing okay.

So I'm done with the first cycle. What now? Well, here is the breakdown: In total my treatment consists of three back-to-back, 3-week cycles. That makes nine weeks in total. During each three week cycle, the first week is a 5-day chemo (Thursday-Monday), the second and third weeks are one-day chemo (Thursdays). So I begin my second cycle next Thursday, which I am NOT looking forward to. The 5-day treatments are 4-5 hours each as oppose to the 1-day which is about a half hour. Plus the 5-day features much worse side-effects.

This time I feel more prepared, which is good. Plus, based on the side effects I faced last time, my doctor will be adding some new drugs to the mix to help me deal with them. The good news of course is that I've got one whole cycle behind me. Two more to go and then that should be the end of all this.

Coming Soon...

I've been off the anti-nausea meds for two days! Wooh! It's really nice not having to deal with that. Feeling more "with it". I even got some video editing done today, which was pretty cool. Got tired after a little while and had to rest, but it was nice to work on it. I've been working on this short film for over a year, and I'm putting the finishing touches on it now. It is the longest project I've ever worked on and it's just an incredible experience to see it through from beginning to end. I wrote it at least two years ago now and this summer I plan to have a finished product. Something like 25 minutes long.

What's it about, you ask? Cindy, while working in the college library, discovers a homeless man, Bud, in the basement. They're both alone and wounded, and over a couple days they bond in that odd way that sometimes can happen with total strangers.

Don't worry, it's not as cheesy as it sounds. I'm really very proud of it and can't wait to share it! In the mean time feel free to check out my last (totally different) short film:

Solidarity

Wow. I continue to be surprised, touched, and blessed with the support I have from the people around me. Check out these pics of more great souls showing their solidarity and bringing bald back. Starting with Bethany's cousins Charles and William, her uncle (their dad) Todd, and my dear friend John. Many thanks to each of them!

The Ultimate Excuse

Well on the positive side I've got less nausea, which is great. It should keep getting better, as it was the five-day treatment that caused most of it. On the negative side, the fatigue is getting worse. During these coming days I will face a lowering white blood count which causes that fatigue and makes me more susceptible to getting sick. Washing hands a lot and can't go out too much.

It's a strange feeling to keep resting and still feel tired. Watching lots of television, but trying to read too. At least when I read I feel like I'm being somewhat productive. Still, I am learning more (or at least trying) to let go of the productivity obsession. Its ok to just rest in silence, or just look out at the window at nature and listen to birds chirping, or catch up on that stack of movies. Aren't we always looking for excuses to take the time to do those things?

Alright well I'll try and take full advantage of this excuse. Even better, I'll do my best to make it an opportunity. Because I truly believe it is just that. It's an opportunity that will take time to fully realize. But fear not, I have plenty of time.
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Catching Up on Flicks

Happy to report that today is a much better day. Nausea is at bay with the normal meds, sore throat isn't as bad and fever is gone! Just watched the movie Taken and decided that I want Liam Neeson fighting my cancer - so badass. Don't get me wrong, the movie isn't amazing, but it was a high-rush, action flick. What I'd usually expect from one of my favorite action movie producers, Luc Besson, who wrote and directed one of my favs of all time Leon (also known in U.S. as The Professional).

Definitely appreciating this day, in the wake of yesterday. As I've mentioned before, those bad days really do make the good ones all the better. Health seems to be one of those things we really do just take for granted.

Next up is The Visitor which I've been wanting to see for a while now and a nice bowl of mac n cheese :)

A Cloudy Day

Tough day today. Started awful; threw up for the first time, while on the way in to Dana. Then had to wait hours for a covering doc to be ready. Chemo was quick, which was nice, but followed by terrible sore throat and a fever.

Hoping the sun will shine tomorrow. They say I'll start feeling less nausea during these next few days. VERY excited for that. Blood tests came back good today too - white blood count was good. It'll start dropping though and i'll have to be more careful not to catch anything in the coming days.

Looking forward to tomorrow :)
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Declaring Battle

I was told that losing my hair due to the chemo would be inevitable, based on the type I'm receiving. I decided to strike first, and shaved it off last night. This battle will be on my terms.

I also had the support of warriors, Peter Pongratz and Patrick Spencer. Actually, they decided to shave their heads first, after which I reconsidered shaving mine. But they assured me it was too late to reconsider.

All joking aside, it was a really amazing gesture amongst us men and I feel so honored by their willingness to take that leap. And it was great not having to touch my hair this morning!
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Hmmm...

The battle rages inside and I'm feeling the effects on the outside. Can't concentrate as well, stuff seems less interesting - almost an out-of-body experience, actually. But hey, I'm plugging away. The nausea has been at bay for the most part, but stupid acid-reflux is a killer now. Doc says it's a result of the chemo, so I'm getting another prescription to keep it down. Yet another medication!

Finding it somewhat difficult to not be productive. Funny, when you get used to "doing" all the time and analyzing everything in terms of "what you get done" it's hard to take a step back and not do. I've become so hardwired that way. Right now my body is fighting away at this and I need to concentrate on that. Imagine though, if I were suffering this anywhere else in the world? In a developing country? A place where there is no time to stop "doing", because "doing" means living another day. Reminds me to be grateful to be fighting this disease under these circumstances. Sure, it sucks, I can't deny that. But it sucks a whole lot more for people who can't afford simple treatments or put food in their belly. Actually, it more than sucks. It's unjust. No one should suffer that. But they do. And we allow it to happen. Every day.

I know, I'm getting up on my soapbox. It's gonna happen. Not to be depressing though. Just to hit home a point. That we're all in this together. Our suffering - it's all the same. The good news is, we can do a lot to change it.

That's all I'll say for now, before I ramble on to much! But I assure you, to be continued...

Learning how to eat (during treatment!)

Those of you who know me, know that I have what you might call a ferocious appetite. Some people eat to live. I live to eat. I just love food! So this whole anti-nausea, appetite changing business has been a tough adjustment. I think I'm starting to catch on though.

The trick is, as soon as I have a craving and get an appetite for something - I need to go for it! It's almost as if my body demands a certain food. Perhaps it wants the vitamins and minerals in that food, or perhaps it just knows that food will make me happy. Whatever the reason, the scrambled eggs with homefries and toast did the trick for me this morning. Mmm...

Of course tomorrow, that same meal could disgust me. That is the tricky part to all of this. Every day a new set of taste buds arise. I dunno, maybe it'll be a good opportunity to try new things; branch out! I do know one thing: I will continue eating. And with every meal, I will have the knowledge that the cancer is losing this battle. Period.

Today started off pretty bad - very sick, weak and full of nausea. As I write this though, I'm feeling much better. Staying on top of things today with drugs and food - major allies in this battle. Got to spend some quality time with Dad at the hospital today too and with my Mom at home. So easy to take that time for granted, and sad that it takes something like this to make it happen. But I really am enjoying it so much.

Ubuntu. It's an African Zulu word that means "I am because we are". Many reading my blog will recognize the word as it is my all-time favorite - and I'm sure I'll quote it many more times. It gets at the very essence of how we define ourselves as human beings. We are only human with and through other humans. That is the essence of humanity. Food and drugs are wonderful, don't get me wrong. But Ubuntu will truly be my saving Grace.

Hold your ground!

Cumulative effects are a'coming. Chemo builds up and the nausea gets worse. Never experienced such constant nausea before, but the pills are helping. Just trying to stay ahead of it, which is difficult. Appetite is all over the place. Also feeling weaker and finding it harder to concentrate.



I guess this is all to be expected when the body gets pumped full of this toxin. I like to imagine the chemo and cancer are having a pretty epic showdown right now. Lord of the Rings style. I'm throwing pills on the front line and Cancer is goin' down.



Only one more day of chemo before I get a break, until Thursday. Looking forward to that. Nurses continue to amaze me. Such deep compassion and love. I'm feeling the struggle that this is going to be and I couldn't do it alone. Blessed to have so many wonderful people around me. I'll get through this. One day at a time.



Oh and I've decided that Aragorn is leading my chemo troops. Enjoy this badass quote from The Return of the King:

" Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you *stand, Men of the West!"

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The Good Days and the Bad Days

Well yesterday was a good day. Even after I got home I kept on eating, had some delicious haddock cooked by me ma. Didn't even have to take anti-nausea stuff.

Too bad I didn't though, because today is not such a good day. Started with nausea and even now after the meds in the hospital, I'm not feeling too great. Should be heading home soon though, which will be nice.

Couple lessons learned: 1) its ok to rely on the drugs they give me to take home, and I shall! 2) there will be good days and bad days, ups and downs, just as in life. I try to remember that without the bad days, there can't really be good days. Its all relative. Yes, its true the bad days will suck, but the good days will be all the brighter.
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In Peace You Rest, Test

A hilarious, awesome, and touching song written by Jared Blake, just for meee! http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/video/video.php?v=100652059523&ref=mf

Cancer going away party pix!

Check em out on facebook: http://facebook.com/album.php?r74415056&aid=120121&id=580487891&page=4&refid=13
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Day Two

Last night was tough. I was surprised by how quickly I felt the effects of chemo. Nausea came on, but the meds helped. Lost some appetite too, but today I'm feeling better.

Got the chemo running now, been here since 8:30 so another long day, but should be done soon! Met an interesting character today. He was receiving chemo next to me, in his fifties, and he has terminal cancer. He had this tidbit of wisdom to share: "Every day is a gift from God...as long as you're gettin' laid."

Three more full days to go, before I get a break. Though I'm told week two is tougher. Between all the water they tell me to drink and the fluids they give me through the IV, I've never peed so much in my life! I'm pretty sure I could just start bottling and selling it as water. But I won't...

Thank you all for the wonderful comments, by the way, I read them as they come in and they always put a smile on my face and give me a boost of good energy :)

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Anticlimactic!

Just finishing my final dose of chemo for the day! I must say its all very anticlimactic. Certainly not complaining, but the chemo doesn't feel like anything really. Though they have loaded me with some anti-nausea meds so I guess that has something to do with it. There is quite the list of potential side effects, but I'm hopeful that I don't suffer them too badly.

Before starting today I was kind of hoping that I'd be alone with my family in the room. But after being here for this long day, I can say it's so comforting to be with other people who are going through the same thing. I already feel a strong sense of community here; an invisible bond that connects us. And I feel ashamed at ever thinking I'd be better off in a private room, separated from these people.

The care here at Dana Farber is incredible. Not only the level of skill, but also the level of compassion. I feel very comfortable here and blessed to have such a high level of care. The IV is beeping now, which concludes my first day of chemotherapy! Woot woot!

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Let the treatment begin!

Just got a great hand massage from a volunteer here at Dana - my first hand massage ever, I might add. Maybe this treatment thing isn't so bad after all!



Checkout my wicked cool bracelet pictured above, created by Bethany's mom, Cheryl Pongratz. Had a great cancer going away party last night with the family, which included genital balloon hats and a very provocative cake. Pictures coming soon ;)

So I'm sitting in a room now with my family and three other patients who are receiving chemo. Right now its just stuff to hydrate me thru the IV in preparation for the high grade stuff that follows. My mom has struck a relationship with another family who are greek, talking about greek food and making me hungry. I'll be getting lots of home cooked meals soon. Woohoo!

Oh and some more good news: the chemo regiment will be 9 weeks but only three of those weeks will be 5 days per week. The rest will be one day per week :)

So thats the latest for now. Chemo will start in a few minutes and I'll be back with updates.

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A New Chapter

On May 17th I graduated valedictorian from Curry College with a major in Communication, concentration in film and minor in English. Four years of hard work culminated to this exciting moment. The moment that the "real world" would become real and a new chapter would begin.

However, this new chapter, and my first challenge as a post-grad, would instead begin 11 days prior to graduation, on May 6th when I was diagnosed with testicular cancer. The news came as a shock, but then I suppose it's the sort of news that always does. Prior to the diagnosis I was sure the mass I felt must have just been some small, temporary problem - nothing serious. Certainly not the dreaded "C word".

Six days before graduation I had surgery to remove the testicle, optimistic that this procedure would be the end of it. When questioning the Doctor if there would be any long-term effects of losing a testicle, he replied with, "Nope. That's why God made two". Phew! Just over four weeks later I'm pretty much fully recovered, with just some minor soreness and fatigue. I graduated walking tall, feeling proud, fortunate, and even awe-struck by an amazing (and terribly fast) four years.

Unfortunately the surgery was not the end of this chapter though. Dana Farber would be the next stop, where I discovered that the cancer was not contained. Blood tests revealed that there are "tumor markers" present, which indicate that cancer still exists in my body. It means I'll need the more aggressive treatment of chemotherapy: 5 days per week for 9 weeks. There goes summer! The bottom line though: I am going to be fine. The type of cancer is extremely treatable.

I start treatment tomorrow and during these 9 weeks I am told that I won't be able to work or do much else. Sun will be bad for me, I'll lose my hair, feel drained, etc., etc. Fortunately I've been long-far behind my movie and book collection! Which also brings me to this blog. I've always wanted to start a blog....but never really found the time. Sure, it's a less than ideal situation, but why not make the best of it?

I hope this blog can serve as a means of updating friends, family, and all my loved ones - all of whom I feel extremely blessed and supported for having in my life. As a communication major (and English minor), I'm pretty sure the blog is just as much for me though. A place where I can share my creativity, thoughts, feelings, and everything else you may or (quite possibly) may not want to read!

Speaking of which, I'm impressed if you've made it this far down the entry! I'll try and be shorter next time, but I can't make any promises...

I will end with this: I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason. That there is some greater power at work in this world. And so, I do not ask "why did this happen to me?" with anger, but instead with curiosity and an openness to learn and grow. This chapter will undoubtedly be one of the most important in my life. I will embrace it. And I'll do my best to share it.