Falling

Well these past few days have been incredibly trying. And on the cusp of my post about strength, I am indeed discovering what it's like to be utterly defenseless - feeling totally lost in it all.

My first few days of the 5day went well, but then the side effects started to become worse, fast. Nausea became terrible and I've felt incredibly bloated with fluids that they give me. I've never been so uncomfortable in my life. It is beginning to taper off now, but this gross humid weather doesn't help. I could keep complaining, but it wouldn't help. Suffice to say I am very anxious for this to be over, and (thankfully) it almost is!

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Strength

Here I sit during my fourth of five days of chemo treatment. Pulling through! I've mentioned before that I want this experience to be an opportunity to learn and grow. I know that I've learned quite a bit already, particularly about strength.

What has strength or being strong meant to me? Well strength has been saying "(gulp)okay, go ahead and remove my testicle (yikes!)". Strength has been agreeing to 9 weeks of chemo, after hearing the laundry list of terrible side effects. And then strength has been coming to chemo day after day, knowing that each dose, although coming closer to wiping out the big C, will also make me feel crappier. I've learned that you really can't have the good days without the bad days - how precious those good days are. I have learned so much about how strong I can be.

Equally important though, I've learned where that strength comes from. It comes from a deep faith in God. An optimism that fills my heart so completely - knowing that things will work out. I know that I have much work to do yet, and that this strength will allow me to achieve a great many things. Shit, after beating cancer what obstacle could be too challenging or too difficult?

I must also say that so much of my strength, faith and optimism comes from all of you - my support system. Those who believe so deeply in me and don't let me fall or falter. I am truly blessed to have such a level of support. I've said it before, i'll say it again and again. Ubuntu: I am because we are.

Thank you for giving me strength.
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A Dilemma

One day down and four to go! Yesterday wasn't so bad at the hospital, but I felt pretty crappy once I got home. Today is mediocre. About halfway done with treatment now. Gonna get through this.

Had am interesting dilemma yesterday in the food court though. I had just bought a delicious italian sub from subway, when a man tapped me on the shoulder looking for money. I instinctively ignored him in the same manner I might ignore one of those salespeople at mall kiosks selling useless products - I've gotten pretty good at that.

When I got to my seat I thought about what I had done. Totally ignored a man clearly desperate for some money. I mean who else could swallow their pride like that and start begging in the food court? And here I am, claiming to want to help the world's poor.

I got to talking to my Mom and Bethany about the situation and my guilt, as we ate lunch and watched the man still approaching people. What would he do with the money? Use it on food or, as we often tend to think, drugs and booze? How can we know? And why are we so afraid to talk to these people? I rarely just ignore someone and usually offer some money, but for some reason fear and instinct took over.

The situation really perplexed and bothered me. What do we, who live so comfortably, have to fear? Perhaps we fear becoming like this man - losing our material items, then necessities, and reaching desperation. I decided to ask for second chance. Bethany had half of her wrap left and I had four dollars. I thought offering him food may be insulting, sort of like, "let me decide what you should need".

I got up from my table, seeked out the man, approached him and said, "I'm sorry. I ignored you earlier and I shouldn't have." Next to the man was a security guard who clearly was unhappy. Still, I continued and asked the man what he needs. He replied that he just wants to buy something to eat. I offered him my half wrap, but he declined and told me I can eat it. Then I offered and gave him my four dollars. At this, the security guard got annoyed with me. He said, " you can't do that. He's harassing people." I replied, "No one should go hungry." The man thanked me a few times and I left.

Now I don't share this story to sound like some hero or something. I really hope I made the right decision, but I don't know. It's very possible the money will be used for drugs. But maybe it will prevent the man from further acts of desperation such as stealing money from someone. Or maybe the money really is for food. Maybe that man is Jesus. Maybe my act will make a difference in his life. I truly hope so.
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Enjoying Summer

This past weekend I made a trip up to Lake Winnipesaukee with Bethany and a few others. It was my first trip of the summer and I was worried about the two-hour car ride, but I did just fine. My dad has an ice cream and candy store on Weirs Beach on a pier that my grandparents own, so it's a fun time. Doesn't feel like summer without a visit to Weirs Beach. It was nice being able to spend some time with my dad and sister. The weather was a huge plus too; I even got to use the pool - what a gorgeous weekend it was! Check out the view from the balcony of the place we stayed. Such a beautiful lake.

These days the nausea has been mild, but consistent. I'm trying not to let it run my life though. Being proactive with medication. I'm finding that a lot of the nausea is mental, so that can be tough to deal with. But dealing, I am. It certainly has been nice having a break.

I am both dreading and eager for Thursday. It's my final 5-day treatment, sure to be abound with that "eck" feeling. It's the start of my final cycle though, which is very exciting. Mentally, I am preparing myself for this final 3-week battle. I don't want to build it up too much, but I do want to be prepared. So let the battle horn ring loud because cancer is a'going down.

This Film is 2/3 Over

Officially completed my second of three cycles! That means next Thursday begins my final 3-week cycle, starting off with the oh-so-lovely 5-day treatment from hell. But hey, it will be my last 5-day!

Had an appointment with the doctor yesterday and everything is on track. I am kicking cancer's ass in the blockbuster action film of the summer that will have no sequels. That's right, you heard me cancer - no sequels.

Speaking of films though, here are some new ratings for your enjoyment: The Hangover (Excellent), Frost/Nixon (Excellent), What's Eating Gilbert Grape (Very Good), Barton Fink (Very Good), The Lives of Others (Excellent), The Promotion (Good), There Will be Blood (Excellent), The Green Mile (Excellent)

And while I'm at it, here are some books I've read thus far. All come highly recommended:

A Persistent Peace: One Man's Struggle for a Nonviolent World by John Dear
This book follows the story of John Dear, a Jesuit Priest who has consistently stood for peace through radical non-violence. Ironically this peace stance landed him in countless jail cells over the years. His story is truly compelling; it has moved me to a non-violence position. It is a position that I did not always stand in, but I find myself now totally convinced.

As I put my body through this intense warfare, I wonder why and how we have come to a place where we so easily resort to inflicting pain upon each other and ourselves. Imagine if we lived in a world where war wasn't even an option? If violence was not a tool by which our nation seeks to gain power, but instead that tool was peace. It sounds hokey, perhaps, idealistic at the least. And yet, why couldn't we be that kind of society? Perhaps a better question that this wonderful book raises: what will happen to us if we remain on course - if we keep choosing to respond to violence with violence? Dr. King puts it best with this, "It is no longer a choice between violence and nonviolence; it’s nonviolence or nonexistence."

Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch
I had been recommended this book for some time now and I finally read it. What a refreshing read it is. Regardless of your religious background, this book gives you a whole new perspective on God, spirituality and religion. It puts you in control and in touch with a profound spirituality. One eye-opening example I can offer: there is no hell! Why would God offer us free will, but then say, "make sure you make the right choices." What kind of free will would that be? And is he such a vengeful God to want to punish us for eternity? These are just a few of the very freeing points made in this book.


Always Looking Up: The Adventures of an Incurable Optimist by Michael J. Fox
I figured I could use a healthy dose of optimism as I go through treatment, so I purchased Michael J. Fox's latest book. I've always been amazed at this actor's strength and moved by his story. His optimism is so evident through the stories that he tells in this book and even his warm writing style. Fox responded to his disease by starting what is now the #1 Parkinson's Foundation. His achievements are, to put it lightly, inspiring. His book is a great read about all facets of life. I really enjoyed it.

My Real Drive

So by now I've shed some light on a few aspects of my life with you all; my passion for film and filmmaking, love of music (U2), joy for reading, and more than a bit of my ever-changing philosophy on life. What I have for the most part left in the shadows is my drive for activism; to make a difference in this world. It has become a core part of who I am and I feel very much obliged and fortunate to share it with you.

At the risk of sounding self-indulgent, I could and probably will write a book about all my experiences with activism someday. Mostly because it still is all a bit of a shock to me. For now though, I'll spare you and keep the story abbreviated :)

It started in 2005, totally out of left in the field that is my life. I didn't find the cause, it found me - at where else but a U2 concert. It was there that Bono planted the seeds in a speech he gave about our generation's opportunity and his ONE Campaign to Make Poverty History. The cause dug in further and spread its roots when I began a research project of my choosing about ending poverty in sub-Saharan Africa. The research project resulted in this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dQfIV7SodE). More people need to know that 30,000 children are dying today needlessly, because of extreme poverty; that we can save all of them. The cause became so inescapable that I felt absolutely compelled to start a chapter of the ONE Campaign at Curry College. Just starting my Sophomore year, doing full-time courses, as a commuter who worked 20 hours per week, being involved with a club totally was not in the plans. Once again though, I had no control of "the plans."

Today I can honestly say among so much work at Curry that I am very proud of, ONE Curry is at the very, very top. In three years time our club raised over $11,000 to build a well in Sudan, Africa - to provide clean water for a village where one of our club members, Peter Nhiany, was born. The well will be built in 2010 and it will stand as a monument to the difference a few compassionate and committed people can make in this world.

Equally as important has been our ability to spread awareness to the population at Curry College and beyond. As one of my final endeavors as President of the club, we embarked on our "Rock the Change Tour" just this past spring. I can happily share this project with you via video. It is without a doubt one of the greatest things I've done as both an activist and a filmmaker. As young activists we planned this tour in only one week and executed it in only 5 days. As a filmmaker and as a labor of love, I spent 36 hours (minus 2 hours of sleep) editing our 5 hours of footage down to a 14 minute powerhouse. I hope this video will share with you my real drive:

ONE Curry was selected as on of the top 10 ONE Campuses in the country and was given $1,000 from the ONE Campaign to create a project and compete against the 9 other campuses to win the #1 spot! During their Rock the Change Tour, ONE Curry rocked an elementary school, an elderly housing facility and their own campus.

A Beautiful Day

Well yesterday was somewhat of a disappointment. I've come to expect to feel better upon each day that separates me from the last chemo treatment, but for some reason yesterday I took a step backwards and felt more nauseous. Anyway, no point in dwelling on it because today I'm better. I think I'll have to come up with a new word for nausea soon though because the word alone is beginning to have an impact on me. The mind is a powerful thing!

Today I went for a drive to Porter Square to meet Bethany and our friend John for lunch, which was great. Driving myself really felt awesome too. I've always enjoyed driving, but I haven't been able to in a while because of all the side effects/drugs. I guess you take for granted that feeling behind the wheel. You're in control, and these days that kind of control feels especially powerful and good. I blasted the music, opened the windows, drove a little faster than I should, and enjoyed every second of it - happily leaving any worries behind. There really is nothing like listening to music in your car is there? For some reason I can never duplicate the experience when I listen with headphones or just at home. Part of it is being able to pretend I'm Bono's background singer with no one else to hear me.

That's all I listened to by the way - all U2. Their newest album, No Line on the Horizon, to be specific. I am a very proud U2 fan-atic. Saw them twice at the Garden, once at the Somerville Theatre just recently, and I'll be seeing them at Gillette in September, which I'm incredibly excited about (field tickets!!). U2 is pretty much the soundtrack to my life. They've got it all. I mean literally, they have it all. A profound depth and passion that is purely unique to them. I could keep going, but I won't.

Here Comes the Sun

Can you believe these gorgeous couple of days? Finally summer is here! I've really been enjoying the outdoors and its healing qualities. Went for a nice walk yesterday and today, which really helped me burn away some bad energy. They give me this steroid with chemo that helps the anti-nausea meds work and I'm thankful for it, but it really gets me hyped up in an odd way. I find it hard to sit still and concentrate or even sleep. Walking turned out to be a great remedy though. A good walk just does the body wonders - it is amazing.
And sitting outside with a good book after was awesome. I'm thankful for some time to catch up on all these books I've been dying to read. I'll have start supplying some reviews soon.

So all in all, feeling pretty good. Have some nausea still, but it should keep getting better now that I have this break from treatment until Thursday. And i'll enjoy every minute of it.
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Blanketed in Love

Take a look at this amazing creation by Bethany's aunt Brenda and Uncle Todd!
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Suffering

I believe I can accurately say that these last few days have been most physically arduous of my life. I do not drop those words lightly, because they are packed with quite a punch. This last 5-day treatment was excruciating. First and foremost they were filled with debilitating nausea - the worst yet. It is a form of nausea that takes no prisoners and won't let me concentrate on anything for too long of a time (reason for my lack of blogging, by the way). I always find it difficult to accurately gauge pain, because at any point the game can change, but this was some of the worst I've ever experienced. I clung to the pills and they offered some relief, but it wasn't enough.

I found myself clinging to something altogether higher: positivity. Make no mistake, this exercise was absolutely ludicrous at times; doubled over in pain, trying to "think happy thoughts". Amazing it is though, that we can still grab at that goodness, amidst such pain. It can be done.

I thought about the love that I have from so, so many people. A love that I never even knew surrounded me. I thought about all of the experiences I've had, the places I've been, the things I've done. My achievements and what I'm most proud of in life. I thought about all of the comments that give me energy every day as I read them on this blog. The courage and strength that support shines on me. I thought about God - How I feel I am in His arms throughout this.

I thought about Jesus. How he suffered. I thought about those who suffer like this, daily. Knowing my suffering is temporary offers such consolation, but I can't imagine the unknowing. So many people face it, every day. I tried to suffer with them. In solidarity. But I don't feel strong enough for that kind of suffering and I am just awe-struck by it. Perhaps a newfound respect for that suffering is one of the many lessons I can learn from this experience. Perhaps what I have to learn is that I still have so much to learn.

Today I feel as though I'm coming out the other end, starting to feel better and having more control. Tomorrow I'll face another short dose of chemo, which will set me back a bit, but it will be much more temporary. Then I'll have a week off, which I am totally psyched for. Big sigh of relief.

Thank you all for your continued prayers, words of encouragement, support, love and care. I hope I've been able to convey how much of a difference it really does make.

Dazed and Confused

Well this has been quite the 4th of July weekend! Wow. I've done 4 days of the 5-day treatment (one more to go tomorrow) and I'm really feeling it. It's definitely having a cumulative effect that's leaving me pretty dazed. The nausea gets worse each day and takes more meds to fix, which leaves me pretty out of it(hence the minimal blogging). Oh and I've got this new side-effect: hiccups! Who knew hiccups could be so damn annoying?! I'll get them for like an hour at a time, while they distract the hell out of me, and they won't go away no matter what remedy I attempt! So I got some pills for that too now...Not my best days for sure, but some necessary battles are taking place to really wipe this out.

The good news is that my white blood count has risen back to a normal range and the even better news is that the tumor markers in my blood (which they use to monitor the cancer) have dropped significantly! On June 18th the markers were at 31 and 48.1. On July 2nd, the markers were at 0.5 and 6.8. In other words, I'm kicking cancer's ass!

Tomorrow I finish the 5-day and boy I can't wait! These days have really taught me about losing control. By no means am I in a downward spiral or anything to that effect, but instead simply trusting the hands of my doctors, nurses, family, loved ones, and of course God. Just as the rain finally did, I remain ever faithful that this too shall soon pass.